My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.