I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
You Might Also Like
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?