Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.