If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.