Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
SF is the wild wild west man
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it