Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog