I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.