Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
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Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Cake safety first. Always.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.