I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.