I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Same post same
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.