Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters