I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN