What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Why font matters.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials