[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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Probably my best painting.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
calling in to work dehydrated
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
School be like
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.