I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go