whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person