One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.