The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The honesty is refreshing
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]