dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 馃檪
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 馃檨
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim鈥檚 house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
ME: I鈥檓 just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My toddler won鈥檛 go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I鈥檓 sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn鈥檛 take the kids with him so, I don鈥檛 think he knows how breaks work.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
sigh
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you