*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
181.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.