Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
There’s no “u” in narcissist
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
a badder mouse
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world