The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.