Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that