10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations