My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Why I divorced her.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]