A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.