My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE