Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Shoo shoo! 😂
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
first you must answer his riddles
No, YOUR illiterate.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.