My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
wtf is an acronym
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas