One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”