The news in a nutshell.
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty