when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?