Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
2022 will be better than 2021
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.