Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim