You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m giving up for Lent.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
channeling her this year
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]