I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Holy moly
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell