I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 馃槀
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
You never truly appreciate Newton鈥檚 laws of motion until you鈥檝e sneezed while going to the bathroom.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I鈥檓 a feminist until it鈥檚 time to choose workout music.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Nz lockdown 1: I鈥檓 gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Hi, I鈥檓 pleased to announce that I鈥檝e arrived just in time to make everything worse
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.