I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Not all heroes wear capes…