My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
You Might Also Like
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks