My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
#merica
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.