My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Breaking news:
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Best seat on the street 😍
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims