HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?