Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
i want to work in this restaurant
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.