Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Social Media and Real life
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.