There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
? 💀
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid