A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
When news reporters do sports stories
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.