*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.