It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.