mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
#SaturdayBears
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Yup!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.