Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.